A Letter About John and Living in Fear

Originally written 3/11/25

To my Republican Family and Their Friends,

I’m not going to talk politics. At least, not in the way you might expect or be nervous about at this volatile time. There’s plenty I’d love to discuss with you, but that’s for another time. I need you to give me this moment because you have the power to save people right now. I hope you'll listen.

I want to talk to you about a friend and former co-worker whom I’ll call John because it is not my place to use his identity publicly. When I first met John, his name was Jane and he was brilliantly funny but so shy and seemingly unhappy that he couldn’t leave his cubicle to have a meeting face to face, but instead would send text messages to you a few feet away. At some point, Jane left the office for a short time and when he came back, we were informed by our managers that he would like to be referred to as John.

What did or did not change physically at that point is none of my business. All that changed for us as a community is we switched to calling him by a new name and used different pronouns. It was as easy as if a woman had gone away and gotten married and her last name changed and we started saying Mrs. instead of Miss. We all made a few mistakes. John would shrug and we’d learn and be better next time. You know what else changed? John seemed happy, in a very John understated way, of course. John seemed to move with a bit more ease through life (though still remained incredibly shy) and made small talk about themselves in ways that we all take for granted around an office but he had never, ever done before with me (what they did over the weekend, their latest film crush, etc). That’s all John wanted; to live a life of dignity as the person they knew they were.

I write this to you because the current administration’s focus on trans people is incredibly destructive, cruel, and, to be honest, an enormous distraction. You may not understand or agree with why John needed to make this change (a change that was braver than we’ll ever be in terms of what it must have taken to walk back in that office), but it doesn’t matter. John wasn’t making anyone else’s day different and life went on and someone continued to steal my yogurt from the communal fridge.

Transgender people have existed throughout all of history and in all cultures. They exist.  (I’m no expert on trans issues so from here on, I would love for real experts to jump in and correct me if necessary. I’ll do my best.) They are far less than .1% of the population and face shocking levels of violence, discrimination, and mistreatment in our society, though they are and have been revered in other cultures. In our culture, they are more likely to contemplate suicide and be the victims of sexual assault. They were always there, just like there were gay men long before the first brick was thrown at the Stonewall Riots (which was in fact thrown by someone who would likely now define as trans).

If you’re interested, we can discuss the fact that the biological binary of male and female is useful but not the whole story. 1 in 50 people are likely to be intersex, meaning they biologically have variations on the XY and XX chromosome or hormonal variations that do not neatly fall in the binary. Some have zero health affects and may never be aware; some have obvious physical characteristics that force them to make choices to live within our society. So to say everyone is a "man" or a "woman" itself is very complicated. The desire to erase these people from public life does not erase them from existence.

What else are you concerned about? I can see how at the very highest level of sports (olympics, etc)  there might be worthwhile conversations about clarity in gender rules, but see the paragraph above for why this is more complicated than you think and I remain dubious about the results. And let’s be honest, the NCAA president recently said that when we talk about a trans ban in college sports, we are talking about LESS THAN TEN athletes among 520,000. TEN. Read that again. Below college level, we are not talking about thousands of mythical trans amazons beating up your daughter in field hockey, we are talking about a few students of widely ranging abilities like everyone else who just want to participate and enjoy activities with their peers. Let them play.

There is no evidence that trans people using the bathroom of their identity causes any public safety risk. In fact, it is trans people who face physical abuse and verbal harassment in public accommodations. I’m happy to talk to you about this and other false rumors that have been spread (for example: no, a teacher in Wisconsin did not have to refer to a student as a cat or provide them with a litter box because they decided to identify as feline. This was a joke made by a conservative radio host in 2016 that was then spread over the next few years and ultimately taken as fact.)

I’m also happy to talk further with you about a friend whose teen daughter is trans. There are complex issues involved in support care for trans kids that can’t be discussed quickly and easily in this forum. Call me, though here I am not as educated as i should be. And ultimately, why do we need to talk about it when that is a conversation between a medical practitioner and the family? But what I do know is this family is incredibly loving and smart, has been through hell trying to protect and help their daughter, and like John’s story they are so much happier now.

I’m also happy to talk further about how this campaign is of course morphing into laws and orders that will affect Travis and me. The step from trans to gay hatred is one measured in inches not miles and it has begun. (See growing efforts to reverse marriage equality, remove the word “gay” from government sites and information, and end bans on gay conversion therapy.)

So, why am I writing all this to you? Because you have the power to change this conversation in ways that I don’t. In your circles, when you hear someone getting angry about trans issues or supporting the proposed Texas law that wants to make it illegal and a punishable “fraud” to be trans, you can stop the conversation. You can simply say, “You know, I think there are more important things going on in the world than this. Let’s talk about XXX” and insert whatever issue you’d rather discuss. Heck, you can talk about something you know I absolutely disagree with! How about that! If you’re feeling brave, you can bring up a few of the facts I’ve shared with you, but you don’t need to. And if you and your community don’t make noise about this issue, the politicians won’t use it as a wedge anymore.

I think we can agree that what matters is we focus on problems that affect the health and safety of our country, and there are plenty in America right now. But John isn’t one of them. This is a distraction. This is fear mongering to create enemies that aren’t there. John just wants to live a life where he can work and have friends and not fear violence when he leaves his home every day. Imagine that.